The irony of a room full of men who hadn’t had sex in months
surrounded by women whose boobs had never been bigger was not lost on me. However,
something happened in that first ante natal session which was a source of
amusement at the time but has shaped my experience of early fatherhood.
The staggeringly attractive midwife (by this time lamp posts
were starting to look attractive) began the session by suggesting we ‘go round
the room’ so everyone could introduce themselves. With that in mind I rehearsed
my answer. The ladies introduced themselves and talked about birth plans,
worries and hopes for the future. The men weren’t asked to contribute.
According to a recent study more than two men in ten suffer
from post natal depression. The study, conducted by Eastern Virginia Medical
School, looked at research from 43 countries and concluded that it can affect
up to 25 percent of men. Most at risk are those first time dads or those whose
wives are suffering.
The media would have us believe that men are succumbing to
the combination of tiredness, extra responsibility and a lap full of sick. I
think the reason is much simpler than that. Modern man is required to operate
in an environment for which he is unprepared, technically or emotionally. As
are new mums I hear you cry! But crucially the world of the new parent is still
just as unprepared for the intrusion of men.
A friend of mine is a fire fighter, whose wife has a full
time job. Due to the nature of his shift pattern and his wife’s working
arrangements he spends his four days off with his baby daughter. Where does he
take her to spend that quality daddy daughter time? Does he attend the local
church playgroup with all the other dads? Does he catch up with his stay at
home dad friends over a vanilla latte? No he doesn’t because, whilst nobody
says dads can’t go to playgroup, and many do, it just doesn’t really sit right
does it? I went once. I’m not sure who felt more uncomfortable me, the regular
mums or the toddlers.
There is a chance that the lack of support for new dads is
an urban myth, like water retention or Ed Milliband. There is the possibility
that my experience was unique and that all the other new dads in my area were
practically swimming in organised, professional and informal support which
really helped to get them through that first unforgettable, magical time the
whole house had stomach flu.
A quick internet search for “support for new dads” reveals a
number of articles about post natal depression in men and some self help guides.
They all suggest that if men feel a tad grumpy, or want to launch the baby out
of a moving car, they should definitely seek help. They don’t suggest where to
look.
Unfortunately, we all know men won’t seek any help. We don’t
ask for directions, we don’t look at instructions and we certainly don’t go to
the doctor, not until we are at least 85 or we can’t sit comfortably to watch
antiques road show because we have a prostate the size of a basketball.
And herein lays the real irony. Men are the least likely to
seek help or support and yet they have to work hardest to find it. Women are
presented with countless opportunities to develop those real, personal support
networks that help them through the early years from the moment they are peeing
all over their hand in the toilets of a 24hr Tesco whilst reading the
instructions on the box.
So how have the early years affected me? Well, I’m a man so
clearly I don’t suffer from depression and I don’t know any man that does. It
appears however that I have at some point exhibited all the symptoms. I have
had moments when I can’t sleep at all or have slept 15 hours. I’ve gone days
without really talking to anyone. My children have had to deal with the sharp
end of a short temper and a complete lack of joy in any activity involving
them. Friends, family and work colleagues have voiced concerns. The manager of
my local off licence pokes me on facebook.
In the absence of ready-made support my coping strategies
have been many and varied. I exercise, alot! I’ve also been lucky enough to
occasionally discuss the stresses and strains with female friends, colleagues and
family. I even once tried to talk to a mate. We’d been in the pub all day, I
told him I was a crap father, he cried, we’ve never mentioned it since.
I am not suggesting the early years are harder for men than
women, far from it. The stress affects everyone. It can ruin lives and destroy
families. The key is to have a support network, whether professional or informal,
to help you through those difficult times. It won’t guarantee you get through
things unscathed but your chances are much better. Women are able to tap into this vital
resource, men, on the whole, are not. This distinction was evident right from that
first ante natal meeting.
A generation ago my response to the stresses of a baby would
be to let my wife deal with it while I spent many hours in the shed with a
gallon of home brew some well thumbed pornography and radio 2. The noughties
man has to do so much more, to be so much more. To do that, and avoid the
destructive power of depression, our support network needs to start keeping
pace with us.
It is now 5am in the morning and I can't sleep once again this is becoming the norm.
ReplyDeleteI have just finished reading your article and I can relate to all of it.
As I got to the end I couldn't believe how abruptly it ended. I was hoping for some answers to why I am feeling like this all the time because this empty feeling inside me is starting to be the norm too.
Totally understandable Andrew and I think many, including myself, can relate to staring at the ceiling or padding around the house at 5am. This post was written for another web site so the word limit was pretty strict. As such I couldn't go into great detail and the why's and solutions. I will try to post on my blog soon with some further details. I hope it will be of use to you. There is light at the end of the tunnel I promise. Also for what it's worth I would suggest visiting your GP sooner rather than later if things are hard for you. Best wishes!
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