Top tips for losing that post baby weight

Hapless dad is about parenting from a dad's warped and sometimes quite disturbing perspective. Never the less at HD we understand the plight that ladies of the opposite sex face after they've had children. We hear about it often enough.

There's the soiling, the constant crying, the need to be continually fed and watered, the tantrums, the pointless arguments with friends and the continuing need for new clothes. Added to all that, you have the kids to worry about as well!

It's no wonder then that mum's can put on a few cheeky extra pounds after the kids arrive. Scientists still can't explain how the immediate evacuation of an 8 pound baby isn't reflected on the scales but as we know, god moves in mysterious ways.

So here at HD we have undertaken literally minutes of research from a range of unsubstantiated web sites. The result of this research is the most comprehensive fitness guide for mums who don't have much time but need results.

1. Planning is everything. Before you begin any fitness or weight loss regime, sit down with your friends over wine and chocolate and discuss all the available options.
2. Visit your GP. The fit, young one obviously. Ask him for an internal just to be absolutely thorough.
3. Buy some new sports kit, the more expensive the better. You may have shorts, t-shirt and trainers in your wardrobe that haven't been used since new. However be aware that if sports kit is not on trend it won't work properly.
4. Go swimming. Swimming is the best exercise as it works your heart and lungs and all the major muscle groups. However swimming up and down as fast as possible for a sustained period of time is now frowned upon. Research suggests that hanging on to the side of the pool chatting to a friend provides the best results.
5. Go for a walk. Walking is great exercise. It burns calories, is low impact and gets you out in the fresh air which does wonders for your mental health. Be aware though that it is not possible to go for a walk in normal clothing. This is a classic error. Make sure you wear a brightly coloured tracksuit.
6. Keep hydrated. Previous advice was that you needed to run at least 10k before having to take on fluid. This has proved to be false. New research suggests that a gentle, albeit determined, walk around the block now requires one of those water bottles with a handle.
7. Combine diet protocols for maximum results. For example if you follow the 5:2 fasting diet combine it with Atkins on your fast days. This will allow you to gorge an unlimited amount of food on 5 days a week and eat steaks at the weekend.
8. Use online diet suppliers. Mums are busy people and low calorie food can be a little dull. If you don't want to eat chicken and broccoli that you've made yourself, having it delivered to the house will make it far more appetising.
9. Join a diet club. There is nothing like the weekly shame of a weigh in to encourage you to lose a few pounds. Have a pooh before you go and treat yourself to a Chinese afterwards. If you change diet clubs regularly you also have the opportunity to clear out all the branded diet products from your cupboard uneaten, and replace with new ones. Attending weight watchers will guarantee a loss of £4 every Thursday.
10. Carb load. Running at any speed uses up approximately 100 calories per mile. Prepare for your twice weekly 3k run/walk by consuming an extra 3000 calories, preferably in the form of pizza.

The key to any successful weight loss or fitness regime is to set realistic, achievable goals, pick an activity you enjoy and stick to it. However it is also vital to keep your body guessing, so never stick to anything for more than a week.

If you follow this guide you will achieve miraculous weight loss and incredible gains in aerobic capacity, muscle tone and flexibility - guaranteed. 95% of mums agree.

Small print
Following this plan will not lead to weight loss, muscle gain or increased flexibility. 95% represents sample of 1 mum who did not follow this plan. Hapless dad is a subdivision of The Olympic Kebab House, Penarth ltd.