It's Saturday morning here in Hapless world and it's time for the daily update on my 7 day detox.
I made some progress yesterday. After deciding to detox I stayed off the coffee for the rest of the day, drinking water, fruit and herbal teas instead. I went to the supermarket and stocked up on all the food I'd need to make this work. Lots of chicken, vegetables, brown rice, fruit etc. For lunch I had a chicken salad with no dressings or my usual 3kg of grated cheese piled on top. All was going well. I was feeling extremely positive and ready to make a change.
Then something happened to halt progress dramatically. I picked the kids up!!
My two little darlings had been at a summer sports event all day so I had the house to myself. Bliss. At 3.30 I picked them up from school and brought them home. At that point my detox plan started to go horribly wrong.
I feel I need to mention an important and very relevant fact about my kids. Individually they are fantastic. Together, they are an absolute bloody nightmare, particularly in the car. It doesn't matter where we are driving, Josh and lucy can create an argument out of thin air and make it last....for hours! If you want to know what this is like, go to your local Wetherspoons and find a table of alcoholics who have been steadily drinking cider since 9am. Sit next to them, listen to the conversation and wait for the inevitable flare up. The incomprehensible gibberish masquerading as an argument followed by some form of comedy violence sums up the process of driving my kids anywhere.
So, by the time I got home, I was absolutely fuming. What could possibly make me feel better immediately? A crisp sandwich.
From this point things deteriorated very quickly. I didn't settle for one crisp sandwich, I had three. After preparing the kids dinner I noshed a large packet of chocolate buttons. From then on it was pretty much all over. The booze was flowing by 5pm.
Once one cheeky beer had been consumed the prospect of grilled chicken and broccoli started to loose it's appeal. Something took over me. In an almost trance like state, I picked up the telephone. I considered calling the Samaritans, which would have helped I'm sure but my needs were much more primal than that. I dialled the number, 118 118.
"Can I have the number for the Magic Wok, Chinese Takeaway in Penarth please? - Yes you can connect me!"
So 40 minutes later, after managing to get the kids in bed, I was most of the way through a bottle of Spar Chateaux Thames Embankment and munching my way through a lifetimes supply of sweet and sour chicken balls. I went to bed plastered at approximately midnight. My heart racing as the MSG and alcohol coursed through my steadily clogging arteries.
There then followed the usual bed hoping that characterises a night in my house. When I went up stairs I found both kids asleep in my bed. I couldn't be bothered to move them so I slept in my daughter's bed. Some time during the early hours she climbed in with me. This meant I had to return to my own bed. My son is impossible to sleep with as it's like sharing with an unusually sweaty Michael Flatly so I had to pick him up and put him back in his own bed. I then went to sleep in mine.
At the ludicrous time of 5.45 am my son bounced into the room pretending to be a kangaroo. This woke me from my alcohol and crispy shredded beef induced coma. My daughter was back in the bed next to me. God knows what time she'd arrived.
Which brings us to the present. At 6am I stumbled into my kitchen, feeling as rough as a badger's cheese grater. The only possible solution was............coffee! As I write this I'm now on my third cup.
So in summary, my 7 day detox is going to have to start all over again. My plan for today is to find a method of stopping my children from driving me to drink and unhealthy food choices. Any suggestions welcome.
Now then, what to have for breakfast when you can't have a bacon sandwich!