HD's guide to parents - The mums

Continuing our award winning (well I gave myself a chocolate hob nob as a well done) back to school series. Here is Hapless Dad's guide to parents - The mums.

Our back to school series is very much geared towards the 'ordinary school'. Schools are as different as people. Some schools are in deprived areas, some schools are in very affluent areas. The majority of schools lie somewhere in between with a little bit of everything.

These are the mums you'll see at an ordinary school. Learn the signs, pick your gang, know your enemy.

Jeremy Kyle Mum

Overview
Jeremy Kyle mum is............well, rough. Every class has one. Some schools only have this variation of the breed. Jeremy Kyle mum doesn't Skype. She catches up with friends and relatives by watching her favourite daytime show.

Appearance
Sleeveless t shirt, joggers and hoodie. Visible tattoos, possibly on the face and/or forearms. Missing teeth. Fag.

Behaviour
Drags ever expanding brood into the carpark usually late. Brings Strongbow to school sports day. Small, equally toothless man in tow, joining her on the school run before going to sign on and heading to Wetherspoons. Sorts out difficulties between kids by battering the other parent (male or female)

Favourite phrase
Fucking hell Beyonce, fucking hurry the fuck up. Keanu, stop fucking hitting your shitting brother!

Positives
Having a Jeremy Kyle mum at school makes you feel marginally better about yourself. Gives posh mums somebody to complain about. "Her language in the yard is disgraceful".

Negatives
Mostly keep themselves to themselves as they are already late for an appointment with their probation officer. Dangerous if you get on the wrong side of her as she tends to carry weapons.


Stepford Mum

Overview
Stepford mum is the yang to Jeremy Kyle mum's ying. Opposite ends of the same scale and just as horrendous. Doesn't work as husband is incredibly wealthy. Crucially, she looks down on mums that do. Actually she looks down on everything and everybody. Was the Alpha female at school and makes every effort for that to continue.

Appearance
Hot, obviously, but in a, don't even bother trying unless you have a 6 figure salary, kind of way. Wears expensive clothes for school run even though she's not going anywhere afterwards. Drives Range Rover even though the roughest terrain she has to cope with is the carpark of Waitrose. Continually disapproving look as if everything is not quite up to scratch. That is until her Stepford Mum friends arrive whereupon she will be overly welcoming in a false manner.

Behaviour
Air kisses everyone. Glides into school with odious children following behind. That's if she does walk them in. May employ underpaid Latvian women to walk children from the car to the gate. Uses husbands connections to make sure daughter plays lead in every generic winter festival concert.

Favourite phrase
Chamonix is perrrrrrrfect this time of year.

Positives
None. Unless you are also a Stepford Mum. You may aspire to be one. However, you are or you aren't and they will smell your fakery a mile away.

Negatives
Too many to list. You will secretly envy her and want to smash her face in with a 9 iron in equal measure.


Juggling Mum

Overview
Juggling mum is probably the most popular breed in the car park. Constantly juggling work, home, kids, pilates and her troublesome pet (which seemed like a good idea at the time).

Appearance
Worries about her appearance constantly. Wants to make an effort but simply doesn't have the time. In reality, always looks absolutely fine but she will only be focused on the small circle of baby sick she has on the shoulder of her work suit.

Behaviour
Constantly rushing. To work, from work, to gymnastics, from oboe lesson, to kids party, from Tesco. Constantly craves time away from the kids thinking it will be bliss. When away from the kids feels guilty and wants to see them. Knows there is a husband in the picture somewhere but really doesn't have the time or the energy for all that malarkey. Feels guilty about it. Loves the idea of being a stay at home mum. When at home craves being back at work.

Favourite phrase
What a nightmare. Came in with 6 bags of shopping and Oliver screaming his head off to find the dog crapping in my favourite handbag.

Positives
Supportive, honest, funny. Lets the secret out of the bag that motherhood is actually hard work.

Negatives
None to the mums. But if you are the husband or partner of juggling mum you may as well live in the shed or start internet dating.


Testosterone Mum

Overview
Decidedly manly in thought and deed but not appearance. Had kids because husband or partner wanted them. Married to stay at home dad. Works as tabloid journalist, sales manager or murder squad DCI.

Appearance
Functional but attractive. Confident (at least in public). Feminine but in a no fuss kind of way. Hair that doesn't require any work. She hasn't got time for that due to 12 hour shifts investigating a serial killer. Possibly carries a gun, can definitely kill a shark with a biro.

Behaviour
Dinks scotch. Smokes like it's the secret to alchemy. Walks with a confident stride. Loves her kids but they come second to work. Volunteers to take her kids to all sport related activities, of which there are many. Has never changed a nappy.

Favourite phrase
Bollocks. For fucks sake man up!

Positives
Provides the male point of view in a female group which gives balance and lightens the mood. Uses the 'c' word on nights out to raise a laugh.

Negatives
A short taxi ride away from alcohol dependency and a string of meaningless sexual encounters. Testosterone mum will be no help with tears.


Earth Mum

Overview
Earth mum is in tune with her inner self. Firmly believes in Karma. Possibly attended some sort of religious retreat. The religion will be Buddism, Hinduism, Taoism or scientology (or possibly all of them at some point). Wanted her kids to attend Montesori as she sees 'traditional school' as a barrier to her child's creativity. Tells everyone this even though she continues to enrol her kids in the local primary. She thinks yoga is about more than just getting bendy. Probably stay at home mum. If she works it will be in a job that adheres to the rules of Karma such as teacher, counsellor or traffic warden.

Appearance
Tie-dye. Long hair, or totally shaved. Tattoo of Ganesh on her calf, Buddhist prayer beads on her wrist. Taoist symbol around her neck. Flip flops on her feet. Hash in the glove compartment. Industrial grade anti depressants in the medicine cabinet.

Behaviour
Softly spoken, smiley and caring. Has anything up to a 1000 children and lets them roam free to find their own path in life. Petitions the school regularly to abolish school uniform and allow individual expression. Runs workshops on meditation and leaf art. Plays the zither.


Hopefully you will have worked out which one you are. The rule of thumb is. There is an arsehole in every school car park. If you don't know who it is, it's you!

Next up. The teachers!!

Hapless Dad